I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
