I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
so much tequila, so little girl.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
