Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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