fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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