he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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