He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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