My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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