we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
MIDGETS
????
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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