According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
