if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
