Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
