ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
My cat gives me a boner
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
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I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
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She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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