1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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