thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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