You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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