You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
