Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
