I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
