You're a womanizer and a bitch.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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