i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
