Cold hands, warm shart.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
