her facebook's as public as her vagina
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
