Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
