So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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