Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
