I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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