dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
