Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
