wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
