I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
My penis needs a shock collar
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
