my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
pop tarts are not kleenex
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
