If i come over, it means nothing
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
