We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
