Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
