i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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