and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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