i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
