i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
