is wine microwaveable?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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