The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
