How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
