He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
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I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
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My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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