I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants