I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
