he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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