Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I think I won the penis lottery.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Randomize
