She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
