Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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