I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
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the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
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It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
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