I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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