and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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