I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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