i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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