His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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