Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
