she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
