i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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