I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
