I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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