i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
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